My first time was unusual, scary, and virtually the most life-altering experience of my life! I made the personal choice to decide that I was ready to give someone the item I loved the most. Like my research on Google suggests :) a person chooses to have sex because they think:
1) Everyone is doing it
2) They are emotionally ready
3) They are in love
5) It feels good
I even asked my mother about it and she did what any God-fearing mother would do: FREAKED OUT!!!! Although she did not condone my behavior, she did not judge me. She gave me scripture and warned me that "...once I opened the door to sexuality, it would be hard to close...".
I bounced along and didn't give her warning a second thought! Why don't we listen to good leadership?
I found that my first time was scary and I did not realize the door I opened was a downward spiral. I found out that I was feeding my flesh with food that was harming me. I was gaining weight and that fat was promiscuity. I didn't know how to cut the fat and I knew people could see it. The more doors I opened, the more opportunity I thought I had, the sexier I felt, and the more important I thought I was.
However, when the truth set in, I was left many nights with tears on my pillow, dejected, and ashamed.
1) My issue of FITTING IN: Everyone is doing it!!!
Proverbs 13:20 states, "Walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble"
I began to find myself keeping up with all the other women in my life who were sleeping around and making it look desirable. I was jealous of my friends who were getting flowers, going on dates, and maintaining steady relationships. I didn't understand why their sex outside of marriage seemed prosperous and mine was met with no reward! Because I am a child of God! I was not walking with wise counsel, but instead was looking in the wrong direction for temporary satisfaction. I found myself meeting men who did not respect me and flowers were not sufficient for the emotional overload that such interactions created.
2 & 3) I was emotionally ready; "Momma, I LOVE HIM!!!"
1Thessalonians 4:3-5 reads, "God's will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor-not in lustful passion like the pagans who do not know God and his ways".
Let's get real! I was 18 years old, what did I know about love? My emotions were mingled in with desire, passion, and lust. Those were the emotions I experienced, yet I lacked the experience to know how to adequately control those emotions. I was lost and wanted to be loved. I didn't know what love looked like from my partner because, at that time, I didn't love myself. I tried so desperately to be accepted by this earthly man that I failed to recognize the unconditional love of an heavenly Father. Had I come into spiritual intimacy with the Father, I would not have yearned for the physical intimacies of this world, which are temporary.
Genesis 3: The Man and Woman Sin
No story of curiosity comes easily to mind than that of Adam, Eve, and that desirable fruit. What a price paid for temporary satisfaction. As I reflect on my own experience, I thought I just had to have sex. I thought I was missing out on something, and I wanted to know what everyone else was talking about. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to KNOW...... Eleven years later, I look back on each curious encounter I had and realized that as much as I was filling myself with each new encounter, I was in a dark place, and I was spiritually empty. I was so caught up on D, that I failed to realize my tank was on E. :) Quips!!!
5) It Feels Good
Galatians 5:16 quotes, "So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won't be doing what your sinful nature craves".
I've never been pregnant, but I've heard that one's appetite is insatiable at times. They crave certain foods. I had a craving for attention, for satisfaction, I held a desire for sex. It meant something to me. I had power and unlike most women who feel guilty about promiscuity, sex felt really good. I enjoyed myself and many of my encounters, but I cannot say that I have experienced true love.
One morning, last year, I decided that I was tired of waking up under someone else. I was tired of looking for love in all the wrong places. I wanted to know what it meant to truly be loved. I was looking into the eyes of a man who didn't love me and a stranger in the mirror. I didn't recognize both persons in the room because I was lost and my importance didn't seem to matter. But I remembered the love of Jesus. I remembered what it felt like to be close to Him, to know His loving arms surrounded me, that He whispered sweet nothings in my ear, that every flower I pass on earth is what He created for me to enjoy.
I realized that I wanted a Christian man to love me and I realized that I needed to develop a vertical relationship before I could fathom what a horizontal relationship could look like. Regardless of the partners on my belt, I knew I could still be made whole, I could still be washed white as snow, I knew Jesus still loved me in spite of my behavior. Because I began to talk to Him, I trusted that, in time, He would provide a partner who would respect and understand all that I had been through.
I rededicated my body to Him, as a living and acceptable sacrifice. I couldn't take back my virginity, but I realized that I lost something else: a bad habit, an addiction. Letting go of myself and my discretion has opened the door for the Lord to reveal who He is to me in such amazing, unusual ways. For that, I am thankful. As I embark on a year of celibacy, the Lord and I could not be closer, because I have put Him as my focus. Being filled with God's presence every day has been a scary journey because life with Him is unexpected. However, I find peace in knowing that every road I travel with Him will work out for my good and showcase His glory.
Thank you for reading my first blog! I may have lost my virginity, but I gained an unbreakable bond in Christ because He has forgiven me and shown me grace.